That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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