My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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