The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
