He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
