so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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