I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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