There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck