So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"