I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale