yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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