literally had 100 drinks last night.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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