Whod you bang
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
