the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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