i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
