I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
