THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
false alarm. still invincible.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
