my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
