fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
