I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
