got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Randomize
