She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
