Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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