dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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