I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
