I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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