I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
