Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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