The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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