The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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