This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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