He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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