I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
