She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
false alarm. still invincible.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
