I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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