guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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