Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."