sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie