I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
