so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
