i permit you to call me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
