I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
