there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
