did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
