oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
