She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
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I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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