you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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