Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.