Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The air was thick with penises
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?