Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book