it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
