i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
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She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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