I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
