He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
