So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Soap is not a condiment
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
