Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
My hand turned me down
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
