if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
