That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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