the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
