but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
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Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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