so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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