Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
