Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
BRING THE BAGELS
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
