Dude my mom stole all your condoms
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
