vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
