I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
